Could it be that Democrats have been conspiring to manipulate Donald Trump into saying crazy things? Or is that just an interesting coincidence? We explore those questions and more in this satire.
You’ve probably heard that WikiLeaks has released Democratic Party emails that were stolen by Russian hackers. Unknown until now is that the Russians also got into the Democrats’ smartphones. They stole some fascinating group-text conversations from the Democratic National Committee’s brain trust, too.
One of those transcripts was delivered to me at 4 a.m. Wednesday by a shadowy character on the third floor of a dark parking garage in Floyd. Believe it or not, it mentions the Hotel Roanoke. And it suggests unscrupulous Democrats are conspiring on a covert, psychological operations program to make Donald Trump appear unbalanced.
The transcript doesn’t identify the DNC officials who participated. But here’s how it went:
DEMOCRAT 1: We all agree that the nuttier Donald Trump seems, the more it helps Hillary, right?
DEMOCRAT 2: Yes ma’am.
DEMOCRAT 3: Aye.
DEMOCRAT 4: Roger that.
DEMOCRAT 5: :=)
DEMOCRAT 1: So, our goal is to make The Donald look crazier than a coked-out wolverine. Let’s brainstorm some schemes. Be creative!
DEMOCRAT 2: How about we have our operative inside Trump’s campaign persuade him to declare the presidential voting system is rigged?
DEMOCRAT 3: For real?
DEMOCRAT 4: LOL!
DEMOCRAT 5: It’ll never work. Trump knows that’s a conspiratorial farce. He wouldn’t go there.
DEMOCRAT 2: Another idea: Maybe we could get him to publicly suggest gun supporters could take out Hillary Clinton, or any justices she might appoint to the Supreme Court.
DEMOCRAT 3: LMAO!
DEMOCRAT 4: Are you insane? Even Trump wouldn’t recklessly hint at assassination.
DEMOCRAT 2: I’ll bet you a six pack he would.
DEMOCRAT 3: ILSHIV!
DEMOCRAT 4: I get “LOL “and “LMAO.” But what does “ILSHIV” mean?
DEMOCRAT 3: “I laughed so hard I vomited.”
DEMOCRAT 2: ;=)))))!
DEMOCRAT 4: I hate texting.
DEMOCRAT 1: Let’s get back on track, people.
DEMOCRAT 3: Let’s hypnotize Trump so he believes President Obama and Hillary co-founded ISIS. Then he’ll proclaim it at one of his rallies.
DEMOCRAT 2: How the hell could we do that? Anyway, it’s too far out. Even the craziest tea partiers wouldn’t buy that.
DEMOCRAT 1: I hate to be a fantasy killer here, folks, but none of these ideas is feasible. Donald Trump will never claim the presidential election is rigged; or hint that Second Amendment people should assassinate Hillary; or announce that she and Obama co-founded ISIS. That stuff’s too wild.
DEMOCRAT 4: Yeah. We need to quit screwing around and get back to reality.
DEMOCRAT 2: He’s launching his general election campaign in Virginia, at the Hotel Roanoke.
DEMOCRAT 1: So?
DEMOCRAT 2: I got a friend there who runs the air conditioning. It’s gonna be 96 that day. We can bribe him to turn off the AC, and hope Trump whines about the heat like a baby.
DEMOCRAT 4: It leaves too much to chance. Trump’s not going to begin the campaign harping about the temperature in a crowded ballroom. This is the big leagues. He’s gonna talk about issues.
DEMOCRAT 1: We’re coming up empty here, folks. I’ve seen tree stumps in Mississippi that are more creative.
DEMOCRAT 4: How about we spike his hair dye with LSD?
DEMOCRAT 3: If we dosed him, he might actually say all that crazy stuff about rigged elections, shooting Hillary and ISIS.
DEMOCRAT 2: ILSOMLEPO!
DEMOCRAT 4: Huh?
DEMOCRAT 2: “I’m laughing so hard my left eyeball popped out.”
DEMOCRAT 5: Bad plan.
DEMOCRAT 4: Why?
DEMOCRAT 5: Nobody needs to slip Trump acid to make him appear unbalanced.
DEMOCRAT 1: And, it’s a waste of good LSD.
DEMOCRAT 5: Plus it’s too risky.
DEMOCRAT 4: How?
DEMOCRAT 5: Suppose the acid made him seem normal?
DEMOCRAT 2: God forbid, he wins because we dosed him!
DEMOCRAT 1: OK, so moving forward, I haven’t heard any decent suggestions.
DEMOCRAT 3: Let’s do nothing, except cross our fingers. Maybe he’ll make himself look nuts.
DEMOCRAT 1: Sounds like a plan.
The sad part of this — or the happy part, depending on your perspective — is the only thing real is the crazy stuff Trump said.