Documents leaked by NSA whistleblower Edward Snowden conclusively prove that the United States has been ruled by a race of tall, white space aliens who also assisted the rise of Nazi Germany in the 1930s.
These revelations about our alien overlords might not cost you any sleep. But the part that should concern you a tad is that the UFO story was just published by the Fars News Agency, the English-language news service of Iran, a nation that may be very close to acquiring nuclear weapons.
This being a crazy conspiracy theory, naturally the Russians are behind it. The alleged alien invasion was revealed in an alleged report by Russia’s FSB spy agency, which found “incontrovertible proof’ that an ‘alien/extraterrestrial intelligence agenda’ is driving U.S. domestic and international policy, and has been doing so since at least 1945,” said the Iranian news service.
Fars apparently got the story from a hard-core conspiracy site called whatdoesitmean.com. Here is the gist of the whatdoesitmean.com story as best I understand it (or as the alien mind-control lasers allow me to understand it):
Snowden, who has been given asylum in Russia, leaked documents that a race of extraterestrial “tall whites” arrived on Earth, helped Nazi Germany build a fleet of advanced submarines in the 1930s, and then met in 1954 with President Dwight Eisenhower “where the ‘secret regime’ currently ruling over America was established.”
“Most disturbingly, this FSB report warns, is that the ‘Tall White’ agenda being implemented by the ‘secret regime’ ruling the United States calls for the creation of a global electronic surveillance system meant to hide all true information about their presence here on earth as they enter into what one of Snowden’s documents calls the ‘final phase’ of their end plan for total assimilation and world rule.”
Meanwhile, the U.S. government is embroiled in a “cataclysmic” power struggle between President Obama, who heads the alien shadow government, and some unknown force that opposed the U.S.-alien alliance. “Most to be feared by Russian policy makers and authorities, this [FSB] report concludes, is if those opposing the ‘Tall White’ ‘secret regime’ ruled over by Obama have themselves aligned with another alien-extraterrestrial power themselves.”
Any good conspiracy theory needs a patina of truth, a bit of intellectual cover to camouflage the craziness. In this case, the whatdoesitmean.com/Fars story cites Paul Hellyer, the 1960s Canadian defense minister who is now a fervent UFO activist.
This is almost a funny story, until one remembers that Iran is a moderately powerful nation of 76 million people, with a possible nuclear arsenal, relatively large conventional military power, extensive terrorist capabilities through its intelligence agencies and Hezbollah, and a fundamentalist government that could easily engage in hostilities against the U.S. Laugh if you will at conspiracy theories, but they offer explanatory value for their believers, a way of making sense of why things happen, even if it is a funhouse-mirror explanation of the world. The Fars News Agency is reportedly affiliated with Iran’s influential Revolutionary Guards, which suggests that either Iran is either desperate to smear the U.S. any way it can, or there indeed is a very peculiar view of U.S. politics at the highest levels of the Iranian government.
If there is a bright spot to this as well as a funny bone, it’s that the goal of U.S. policy is to contain and neutralize Iranian influence. So, perhaps it’s not necessarily a bad thing that Tehran thinks its main adversary is backed by the power of space aliens. It’s good to have friends in high places, even if they have two heads.